Yesterday continued…

After going to bed early last night, good job too as we got woken up at 4am with the wind – both of us more than a bit bollixed now, but two vats of white wine later, and I am happy. DG is watching Sehwag’s unbelievable 309 not out innings in the test match, so he is a happy bunny too. Where did I get to yesterday?

I got back to the office with a grin on my face that a good friend can only put there, and then got excited about seeing another one of my best friends on his birthday. Yep my brother and I have what is called ‘friendship’ however, put us in the same house for more than three days and we would quite merrily kill each other, which could prove interesting for future visits. Anyhoo, our relationship improved no end when I left home, and we didn’t see each other. We are way too alike to get along, but at the same time if I needed advice I would call him, if I needed someone I would call him; one of the best nights of my life will always remain when we sat in the members room of Tate Modern, drinking wine, eating supper and looking at St Paul’s lit up and looking pretty.

Which by the by is where Sara got married in England – yes in the cathedral. She has an MBE, and you are allowed to get married in part of the cathedral, I can’t remember what bit, my chin was on the floor when she told me, any way the bit you are supposed to get married in was being renovated, so Sara and Stewart got married in the cathedral proper. They had whizzed off to Sri Lanka and got married, had a honeymoon, then came back and did it all over again for family and friends. Check this out for one happy Bride – apologies to Sara for nicking it from FB. I will take it down if you want me to, let me know. Now I haven’t known her that long, just over two years, but if there is one woman I know who is still goofy about her man it is Sara over Stewart. Look at this photo at the joy in her eyes, every time she talks about him, she shines:

Patrick and Caireen appeared about 3.30, she had persuaded him to eat at Pizza Express and he had lived to tell the tale afterwards and had a good pizza too. I did suggest that she made him watch Forrest Gump, but he is still resisting. Now if there is one, no two, things I have in common with my brother they are: 1) if we make up our mind, you will need a gun to make us change it 2) we are snobs.
I have no delusions of grandeur, I am proud that my mum stayed at home to look after us while my dad was the sole breadwinner and that we are proper working class stock. BUT where this working class stock is different from the working class stock (read Chav) now is that we graft to get places, to make things better, to improve our lot. I do not expect things to be handed me on a plate, God knows my life has not given me things easily, but I am better, stronger and happier because of all the work I have put into myself.
This is not telling you about yesterday, so I better get back to it. Dan and I had seen some stemless wine glasses that enhance the flavour of your wine, I made a circumspect call to Patrick ‘What is your favourite wine? No grape? What about Merlot? Pinot Noir? OK!?’ I ordered them, they arrived last week, I shot downstairs to M&S to buy a Pinot Noir to put in them and wrapped them up on Tuesday. Both of them liked them, so I enjoyed giving the present even more. After they had been to collect his vino, they were off to the London Transport Museum shop, which Caireen looked thrilled about, as anyone who knows Patrick will know that he could easily spend a year in there and not look at everything. I hope they had a good day, they looked like they were so far.
After a few more hours at work it was time to come home, I sat on the train reading and working through the web class for ‘A New Earth’. It is the hardest book I have ever read, as I am finding out so much about myself. It also makes you think, long and hard about how if everyone did tiny things differently, the world would be such a better place; hence the title. ‘If you are truly enlightened, spend a week with your parents’. That makes me smile, if you can pass the I am older and wiser; so therefore know more than you test, you know you have made it. Like this sentance, I keep getting hit by a-ha! moments as I work my way through the book:
* In form, you are and will always be inferoir to some, superior to others. In essence, you are neither inferior nor superior to anyone. True self esteem and true humility arise out of that realisation. In the eyes of the ego, self esteem and humility are contradictory. In truth, they are one and the same.
* Cleverness pursues its own little aims. Intelligence sees the larger whole in which all things are connected. Cleverness is motivated by self interest, and it is extremely short-sighted. Most politicians and businesspeople are clever. Very few are intelligent. Cleverness divides; intelligence includes.
* Nothing ever happended in the past that can prevent you from being present now; and if the past cannot prevent you from being present now; what power does it have?
[This was particularly relevant for some huge things that have happended to me along the way, I have now let them go and feel better for it. I am here, now typing this to you, enjoying sharing what I have learnt, not stewing over what has happened that I cannot change.]
* When you can’t stand the endless cycle of suffering anymore, you begin to awaken.
That last one again has huge resonance for me. I have suffered from depression, not coping with life very well and at times done some pretty stupid things. When Mark left, yes I was shocked, but when I got over the shock, I was relieved. That part of my life was over. And something inside me made me realise that there was so much more to be had than waiting around for something to happen. Back to Eckhart Tolle for one last quote: There is no such thing as ‘my life’, and I don’t have a life. I AM life. So how could I lose my life? How can I lose something that I don’t have in the first place? How can I lose something that I Am. It is impossible.
So while I am musing on these weighty subjects I am watching the world go by on the train. The sun is setting, the sky is showing off it’s wonderful colours of varigated blues to orange, and the trees look wonderful as black shadows showing against the skyline. Nimrod (little snippet there for you) is playing. All is right with the world, and I become aware again. That despite all the travelling, all the early starts, all the conked out nights when it’s all I can do to lay my clothes out before I crawl gratefully into bed, for all the times I have sat and thought ‘this is hopeless’ – life truly isn’t. What is happening now, you reading this, me typing it, is the only thing going on. What will happen, hasn’t happened yet and what has happened is gone, now only a memory. So live for the moment, the weather isn’t miserable, it is just weather. What is miserable is the attitude that you show towards it. So yes I have complained about grey skies over London, but not any more, I can’t change the fecking weather. But I can change my fecking attitude.
Have a great weekend. We are off to Haywards Heath again, with a picnic lunch on Saturday. I will stay behind on Sunday and cook a roastie for lunch, work on my studies and my cross stitch.
Peace y’all.

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