I can’t think of a title for this one, so will start off wittering at you and see what, if anything, comes to me at the end.
I am fully aware that I may have sounded really quite cross on the past two blogs, and I am sorry if I caught some of you unawares or even raised an eyebrow. I am working so hard on living in the moment and concentrating on what I am doing now as oppose to harking on about what annoys me that it probably didn’t sound like it when you read the posts. However, with that in mind I type or write what I feel at the time, and sometimes don’t even spell check a post before I publish it. *Bang*, up it goes into the ether.
For the past three years, as it is that long since my marriage failed I have been learning about myself, what I want, what I need, what I deserve as a person. I did not deserve to be lied to by my ex-husband, that hurt me more than the infidelity, because I’d had a gut feeling about that for over a year, but that he lied to me repeatedly to cover himself, slowing getting more and more lazy about covering his tracks. But I was paralysed with fear, staying in a marriage that I didn’t want to stay in, because I didn’t know where to go to. We naively thought the move to Camberley would be a fresh start, but what I hadn’t counted on is how relentlessly she would pursue him. And let’s face it, what did I have to offer, I was constantly trying to get him to stick to a budget; I would ask him questions, you know really probing ones like ‘Did you have a good day?’ or ‘How was everyone at x or y?’ By this time, I had no social life, the only places I went to were with him, whereas he was going out twice a week minimum to play Warhammer, spending a fortune on it, leaving me to rob Peter to pay Paul, leaving me to field all the phone calls and Bailiffs (yes they came knocking), while I cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. So all she had to so was say ‘Don’t we have a fun time together?’ and off he scuttled like a spider.
It’s funny writing about this now, I am ambivalent about the whole thing, and him. I am certainly not angry, that went a long time ago, I am not sad, I never was sad. I know I was in shock, as my memories of that time are distinctly blurred. I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, I had a metallic taste in my mouth, that much I do remember, but the sequence of events is pretty much a mystery to me. Staying at Erika and Ian’s gave me a refuge, but I know they were worried about me as the bedroom light stayed on pretty much all night, I’d read, drop the book, wake up, read, doze off, switch the light off, wake up, read, jolt myself awake. I got better sleep in front of the TV during the day time. The night time when your mind is chattering away at you is a long, lonely, dark place. Especially when it is telling you that you are a failure, that most of your relatives didn’t meet your husband, and now look, it’s over, what are they going to say? My mind has always had a good way of reminding me that I am crap at things, not pursuing my swimming to where I could have gone, being lazy about my studies, lying around the house not doing much of anything. Your internal dialogue keeps on at you, on and on and on. What you listen to is immaterial, as it is there in the background all the time, so you never truly hear it, but tell yourself you feel crap and you will feel crap, tell yourself you feel great and you will feel great.
During this time I went into a bookshop (where else, in times of strife or turmoil it’s either there or a library you will find me) looking for answers. Having just started sobbing in Vision Express as I changed my address and had to explain why, I needed to calm myself down. What I found was a slim book called, Stop Thinking, Start Living. I remember buying it pink eyed and sniffing, the cashier looking at me with alarm, I remember reading a huge part of it sitting in the Cathedral grounds in Salisbury. At this time he was still keeping me dangling on a piece of string, as he couldn’t make his mind up what he wanted. He’d tell me he needed space, then come and see me at home or at work, or call me. God knows what he was telling her. Reading that book made me realise, I could choose to be with him, but I didn’t need to be with him. That was a big eye opener for me. As was being able to finally switch my mind off, stop the endless negativity in my head. One of the easiest ways, ironically, is to repeat affirmations to yourself, over and over. Until you start to say them without realising you are asking yourself to say them.
The first one I used was ‘I am a good person’. That says a lot doesn’t it? Today I use different affirmations, ranging from ‘The universe is conspiring in my favour’ to ‘I am amazing’ to ‘I love, honour and respect myself’. So while I do keep prattling them away in my mind, while I am driving, while I am walking, but most of the time, my mind is still. There is nothing going on in my head that I can hear, I concentrate on what is happening to me at the time, like yesterday on our walk, I kept smelling roses, inhaling deeply, fully, the petals closing round my nose as I closed my eyes and (there is no other word) relished the silky smoothness of their touch and silky smoothness of their fragrance.
I sit here now with the back of shops looking in my window, there is a grey sky as we are due some more rain today, the tree and bush that once stood in next door’s yard were cut down on Friday, so instead of green peeping in through the right hand window, there is more brickwork, it’s not a great view, it’s not a great flat, but it is home. There is a steady thumping in the background from one of the workshops further along the lane, I can hear cars along the road in front of the shops, every so often a tram comes into the terminus, clattering as it crosses over the tracks. But while I am typing this, my mind is still, the words flowing from my fingers as though I am copy typing.
Three years ago, almost to the day – I thought my world had ended, my vision was so narrow, life was so black, my despair was such, I didn’t know how to lift myself. So I picked up the phone and asked for help, and you all know who you are that helped me. You all know what you have done for me, still continue to do for me, and what do I do to thank you – emigrate to Australia!!
I am amazing, the universe is conspiring in my favour, I love, honour and respect myself.