Driving in to work this morning, at nearly All Hallows Eve, which is supposed to be dark, candle lit and full of mystery, it was odd seeing blossom in the orchard that I drive past daily. Irises by the side of the road, snowdrops in the hedgerows and birds building nests all add to the discombobulation of this Northern Hemisphere girl, transplanted into the Southern Hemisphere. My Dad’s birthday is in October, this year visiting Melbourne for our wedding, he saw lambs gamboling and frolicking around, instead of people in long over-coats and scarves, dodging puddles with the nights drawing in.
I wonder if I will ever get used to having everything upside down and round the wrong way, and water disappearing down the plug hole in a new direction? (Wrong way in the sense of having 33 years of seasons in the UK to here, not as incorrect way). As much as I love candles, burning citronella versions of tea-lights and sitting outside to eat meals towards Christmas feels downright odd. Some things are so ingrained in you, how easy it is to change when they have been there that long? Sometimes life forces a big change, sometimes you have to be big enough to make changes to your life.
It is odd that the biggest shift inside me was followed fairly shortly after by the biggest physical shift I’ve taken, or will ever take. Moving so far from all that I knew, understood and loved to the other side of the world was a good thing. Inside me, I knew I would never be happy while I lived in the UK after the whirlwind of confusion that was the end of my first marriage. I’ve said it before, I had grown too big for the UK. And so it proved to be right, validated when I went back to visit in August and felt odd for being there again. So while I am still straddling two continents, my heart knows it is in the right place, my head is confused about which end is up as I slowly adjust to life Down Under and it catches up and gets into synch with the weather patterns. Most of the time when the temperature is between 14-20°, it can be any old season here, each day is much like the last. But spring flowers are so distinctive in their appearance, bulbs that have lain dormant all winter, sprouting up through the grass and hedgerows in parks and gardens.
Shifting away from what you believe to be a universal truth when something makes you doubt it is hard. Being ‘Broken Open’ as Elizabeth Lesser so eloquently puts it, forces some decisions for you, (see end of first marriage) and makes you realize how bad your life was until it changed irrevocably. I feared the worst would happen, and it did. I am not saying it wasn’t all my fault, because it was; I should have been able to speak to him and make him listen to what I was feeling. But then writing that down, I also lost count of the amount of times I said to him ‘I am not happy with your relationship with her’ to be told that I was paranoid/ stupid/ overreacting *delete as applicable. The worst thing to happen in my life opened me up on the seekers journey I am still taking, changing things slowly (some not so slowly) to get back to living as me. Too long I was buried and lost in the life I didn’t choose or want.
From Dr Phil’s audio-book ‘Getting Real’: We spend too much time reacting to what happens, instead of thinking about ‘What do I want from life?’ Start looking at things either by are they working or not working and start living by design. Every one of us has all we need inside us, every tool we need to do whatever we want with our lives, so set a goal to create value in your life, and make a difference.
I have some pretty hard emails to write coming up over the next couple of weeks. I am challenging things that are happening in my life, have happened in my life, and the way I handle things going forward will also be done differently. There is a certain line that is reached where it is the point of no return, and in some areas I’ve reached them. Do I really want to do this, or do I not? Is this working or not working? Is it getting me what I want? No. I am moving towards being more results orientated, so I can continue to change my life to the life I want. I would rather be happy than right, and I would rather do what works, instead of what makes me right.
I love my life, I unrolled my vision board last week and propped things on the corners to make it flat. I have piles of magazines to cull to pick pictures that symbolize changes I want to make and add to it. The last time I did this, things started happening because I had taken the time to sit down, think and choose what I wanted, then worked out how to get there. I can live be design, I have lived by design, so I will continue to make changes and choices that enhance my life, as it is the only one I am getting. I am sorry in advance if you get pi$$ed off with what I am doing, but by telling you now, you will get over it quicker, I am not not going to say anything to protect you or your feelings anymore if you have been riding rough-shod over mine.