A party for one

Last night I had a glass of wine with the boys over dinner.  Then I went to the cupboard under the stairs, I’d like to call it a wine cellar, but I would have to admit to delusions of grandeur there, and got another one out.  Over the course of the evening, it slowly disappeared inside me, and me alone.

I held my own wake for the death of a relationship that I have struggled to maintain for years.  It is always sad when these things happen, but I was sick and tired of trying, and failing, to make any head way, any inroads, to get any response when I tried to help.  Enough is enough, over the Christmas break I wrote a letter to say that I wanted to improve the relationship, that I loved the person concerned and would they please get help so they could stop being angry and blaming the world for everything.

I am the bad guy, because I sought solace and advice from friends on how to approach this.

I am the bad guy, because I dared to voice my fears that if they didn’t get help, that I was worried about them, how much they were drinking and slowly smothering themselves in ‘stuff’ they wouldn’t be able to see a way out.

I am the bad guy, because I loved and cared about them enough to try and fix what was dangling by a thread.

I am the bad guy, because I offered up books and suggestions to help.

I am the bad guy, because I tried, and it upset them.  No matter that I was trying to fix it, and we had to start somewhere.

Yesterday afternoon, in the midst of the maelstrom of my life at the moment, I kissed a huge relationship goodbye, because it was toxic.  It was draining me, it was no longer a relationship that enhanced my life.  I released myself from the expectation it would get any better.  I released myself from the life-long guilt that has followed me around, that I will not ever, be quite good enough at whatever I do.  Because my best has never, ever been good enough.

Living so far away from my family and friends was never going to be easy.  Trying to fix the biggest relationship of my life was one of the goals I set myself this year.  Unfortunately, again, I am the bad guy, because I dared to voice my feelings.

There comes a time in your life when a line is drawn, I reached that line years ago.  I tried to rebuild, fix and maintain, admitted I had made mistakes, apologised for mistakes, tried to include them in everything I have done over the past 10 – 15 years, despite people telling me to call time on the relationship years ago as a lost cause, I still kept trying.  I am the bad guy, for saying ‘Enough.  Get help, or I can’t do this anymore.’

Yesterday afternoon I admitted defeat, walked away, knowing I did the best I could.  Gave up hoping and praying it would ever change, that for once other people’s feelings might matter above theirs.

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