I spend a lot of time with my head on my knees lately, and kept wondering why I had a random bruise in the middle of my left thigh. Today I figured it out. Trying to get into Toe Stand, my right foot is whacking into my thigh when it pings out as I bend over to crouch down and falls to the floor. It is a hard position to get into, but you have to try, you have to start somewhere.
I have other random bruises, most are hidden. Some I wear on my sleeve, some I cover up with le touch eclat, some have been buried for a while, but now I am broken open, they keep popping up – but reopening the old wounds. I am getting better at not listening to the voice in my head, but an assault on all fronts takes it out of me.
Every class I ask for strength to get me through the next 90 minutes of hard work and pain, and give thanks when I complete each one. Even today after a bad and broken night’s sleep, I still completed it, I nearly cried with relief as I bent my head into child’s pose. I thought it was going to be the hardest thing I did today, I was wrong, it was one of the easiest.
The hardest thing was a meeting, where I learned that I am not welcome. Where I learned that what I feel, what others feel, what I and other people need – doesn’t matter.
I am off out to meet our respite family, I am going to watch the girls have swimming lessons and have a chat with Sandy. Today, it is hard to tell who is being given respite, Sandy with her adorable special needs child, or me, from my life. When I get home, Dan and I will talk things through, he will pass me balms, medication and band-aids and help me, again, patch things up and move on.
But that is life though isn’t it? You patch things up and move on. The pain never goes away, you just get used to living with it; you get used to not listening to the voice reminding you of how you felt at the time, which whizzes you back to the pain if you let it.