Rules and regulations for commercial radio stations (rant alert)

I miss BBC radio, it isn’t much to ask is it, being able to listen to music without adverts all day, every day?  I literally combust with frustration when I try to listen to the radio in Australia, it is either filled with adverts, or they play the same songs all the time.  Gold 104.3, I don’t listen to you that often, but do you have to play Elton John’s Candle In The Wind, every time I do?  Which leaves me with either ABC Radio National, or Radio Melbourne: local radio is local radio – even while driving I end up staring at the radio in the car in amazement at how awful it is, before going *pop* and switching it off.  Radio National has a breakfast programme which has a female John Humphries on it called Fran.  She interrupts her guests, she starts every interview with a view point she has to get across, and woe betide if said guest doesn’t play with her, she will just ask the same question over and over again. 

Yesterday she had the South Australia Premier on, the main hospital in Adelaide has been recommended by umpteen different people that it needs to be pulled down and rebuilt.  Nurses, doctors, charities, consultants (both doctors and the other sort) have said to renovate the building is no longer viable.  Apparently this is now a political point to make sure he gets re-elected this weekend.  Eh?  Or when Peter Garret was having fun with his home-insulation scheme, which unfortunately because of cowboys cashing in, has caused house fires, electrocutions and even some deaths because unqualified morons were going up into loft spaces to make a fast buck.  Despite regulations being tightened, artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.  Or natural selection.  Fran kept asking ‘Are you going to quit?’ interrupting him to the point I shouted ‘Oh shut UP!’ and turned the radio off. 

I now drive with either a CD playing, or silence.  Much safer for all Melburnian road users.  I had to drive into the city today, so broke this rule as I needed to check out the traffic.  While AM is pretty good over here, they pipe a feed into tunnels for example, sitting next to a tram line still causes the fuzzies, so I hesitated, bit the bullet and my bottom lip and put it onto FM.  I am going to launch a radio station, any moron can run one…

  1. Your breakfast programme needs to have 2, sometimes 3 presenters.  One of which has to be female.  However, the female is only there to laugh like a Japanese schoolgirl at male presenters jokes, read the weather and traffic news and preferably must have a two syllable name like ‘Dee Dee’, or a one syllable name like ‘Myf’.  Male presenter(s) must have a nickname, like ‘Grubby’ or ‘Jonno’ or ‘Danno’, no personality is required, as Dee Dee/Myf/Fee Fee/Muff will make you sound hilarious.
  2. Tell everyone what is coming up after every ad break, then when we get back from the ad break, tell everyone what is coming up, play a snatch of a song if necessary to ensure people stay listening, cut to another ad break.
  3. Make sweeping claims about your news coverage like: ‘Most comprehensive FM news’ – yes, if you have an IQ of a gnat, can’t tell the time or find your bum with either hand, it could be.  However, there are more things happening around the world rather than the Laura Bingle/Michael Clarke ‘crisis’.  What is happening in Haiti is a crisis, having your boob flashed around the internet because you were having an affair with a married man and he took a photo of you in the shower is stupidity.
  4. Have a banal, infantile quiz Bogans can join in on.  Play jingles telling everyone they can win, remind people that they can win $1000!  Don’t remind people that it will cost nearly that much to get through on the phones, and that they make much, much more than that from herds of Bogans calling in and wanting to making complete tits of themselves to try and win $1000.
  5. Put someone in a helicopter to read the traffic news, except to cover the cost of the helicopter you need a sponsor.  It will cost so much to get the helicopter off the ground, the traffic news is more about the sponsor than what is happening on the roads.
  6. Where possible, carry on Breakfast programme format, throughout the day – even down to nicknames, to ensure someone is laughing at the jokes in the studio.  It helps fill dead air when things fall flat.
  7. Don’t play two songs back to back, you need your sponsors, so end each song with a nice advert.  The listeners don’t mind, truly.
  8. If you have a ‘no talking’ hour, publicise it heavily.  Preferably throughout the hour, they aren’t having to put up with Grubby, Danno, Jonno, Emo, Harpo, Groucho, Dee Dee, Myf, Muff or Fee Fee so remind them.  The listeners don’t mind, truly.
  9. If you are heading up to the news and your adverts cause you to either talk over the opening of Sweet Child of Mine guitar solo or cut a song in half for the final advert before the news, don’t worry.  The listeners don’t mind, truly.
  10. When in doubt, play Elton John’s Candle In The Wind.

You see, I have missed my calling.  Don’t even get me started on the ‘current affair’ programmes commercial TV stations have on.  For all our sakes, people of the UK, save the BBC – the majority of the good programmes on over here are made by it.  You should relish it, treasure it and fight to save it.  It is the world leader in programming because of the way it is funded.  Yes they have problems, what company/corporation doesn’t but click here for a lovely piece on the BBC that Stephen Fry (yes him again.  My would-be lover, if I wasn’t married, he wasn’t gay and I ever got to meet him) has written on it.  He puts it much better than I do.  I am off to find some 80s records and a male sidekick, I can laugh at people’s jokes and I have a 2 syllable name.  Smashy and Nicey, here I come.  You ain’t seen nothing yet.

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