For one split-second when I woke up this morning, I thought it was Sunday. Our beautiful son had woken up and toddled into our room, asking for ‘Bup’ I picked him up and laid him between my husband and I. We all slept together for all of 15 minutes until the alarm went off at silly o’clock, when I recognised it was actually Monday.
I’ve struggled today. Let me rephrase that. Since I came back from leave I’ve struggled. I’m not sure what I want, where I want to go and instead of just getting on with things, I’ve ground to a halt. I had a meeting today, that I did well in, I’ve read and answered emails, I’ve told my husband that I love him and I’ve written a to-do list.
But still I can’t shake off this ‘What is missing?’ feeling. Although, to be honest, I don’t think anything is missing, I am just at the end of a trail, with no breadcrumbs behind me to guide me back home. I get the distinct impression I actually need to let go of something large, rather than add to anything. I sat at my desk and scribbled random words in different colours to try and get it out of me.
I decided I need to show up in my life, instead of expecting life to happen to me. So in an effort to get this week going again, I’m going to count my blessings, I want to get to ten quickly and easily:
1. I am well and healthy and according to my husband, skinny.
2. I am loved and in love in return.
3. My son is a constant source of laughter and amazement to me.
4. Our home is clean, dry and free from mould and dust (and thankfully, now beetles – whole other story!).
5. My family and friends are well and healthy (or at least getting better after their various lurgies).
6. This job is flexible enough to allow me to work from home one day a week.
7. It’s a beautiful day in Melbourne today, we can see for miles from our vantage point on the 34th floor.
8. I’m sat at a comfortable desk, in a light, airy office, listening to the soundtrack from Moon.
9. Dinner is 80% ready at home, I just need to cook some pasta.
10. It’s nearly time to leave to collect my boy and become a mama again, not a cog in the corporate wheel.
11. I talked to my parents, my brother and my best friend last week.
12. I emailed someone who I owed an email to for far too long.
13. I helped a friend in her new house.
14. I spent an hour in the library with Peanut on Saturday, we then had a coffee and biscuit date together. Me the coffee, him the biscuit.
15. I’ve finally got a cat back in my life. Since I had to give Branston to my parents, I’ve been without a cat, the longest I’ve been without one ever. Seven years in fact.
16. Eight years have passed since the darkest period in my life, I’ve come through the other side with bells on.
17. I LIVE IN AUSTRALIA! I still pinch myself about this.
18. We’ve got tickets to see James Earl Jones and Angela Lansbury in Driving Miss Daisy. Talk about being in the presence of greatness, albeit sitting in the nose bleed seats.
19. I brought two dresses on Friday and will wear one to work tomorrow.
20. My phone has just rung with a girlfriend returning a call from yesterday.
See, it wasn’t that difficult, I doubled my quota without my fingers hovering over the keyboard too often. If you had to count ten blessings, would you be able to quickly? I think you’d be surprised.