I’m still processing what has happened since the middle of January, both within the counselling sessions I’ve had and also with the death in the family. I think any crisis occurs on a normal, ordinary day. It’ll be one thing happening which changes your whole way of thinking. Rest assured, what has happened this year is by no means a crisis, at all. I am perfectly fine, but while this post may curve and meander about, it’s all part of the processing process, so bear with it. It’ll conclude eventually.
When Hubs and I went to see Dr Phil a couple of years ago, he said ‘A year from now, this won’t matter’ and its very true. I look back at the past twelve months, most recently through the hundreds of little videos we’ve taken of Peanut growing up, he is no longer a baby, he is a little boy. Every day brings another word. Every day he’s getting closer to speaking fluently, there are distinctive consonants coming out now. He’s definitely talking to us in English, we’re just working on translating from toddler to adult! My concerns and worries since January 2012 have shifted exponentially; returning to work; we had rising damp, had to move; had a busy time at work, had to muddle through; had to move offices; get used to commuting in on a train, now life is getting back to normal, but mentally I’m still playing catch-up.
Days merge into one anther so easily, it can be hard at the beginning of the week, ‘Oh heck, it’s Monday again’, but blink and it’s Friday with the weekend peering over its shoulder. No wonder people get sucked into doing the same things over and over again. Dr Phil also said ‘Stop doing what you’re doing just because it’s easy’.
It is easier to coast, it is far harder to consciously make a decision, a choice and then act upon it. But have you ever noticed, when you’ve made the choice, and it’s done, your determination to achieve the right outcome for you spurs you on? The actions you need to make seem to follow very easily. Eckhart Tolle says ‘Enlightenment means accepting what is.’ And it’s true. I cannot worry about things I cannot change, likewise I cannot worry about things I can change, I just need to change them. Make a choice, now.
I’m working hard in the background of my life. Juggling house, home (two different things to me – but that is another blog post), work, life, self-care. Just like any other working mum, I’ve got lots of balls in the air; but recognising that I needed an extra pair of hands to help me keep the self-care ball from whizzing out the window was a big step for me. I am too damn proud to let people in a lot of the time. People see this vivacious, bouncy person who (I’ve been told) lights up a room. Very few people (literally a handful and they know who they are) see the anxious, shy person underneath. I feel this bout of counselling has shifted a lot though, I do not feel responsible for a lot of things from my childhood. I’ve let a lot of stress and worry go, but most importantly, I’m not blaming myself anymore for decisions I had no part in. I was a child, not an adult, I do not need to carry these things around with me.
I feel like the inside is beginning to match the outside a bit more.
I feel confident about the choices I’ve made in the past week or so too. One of them is a large one, and things are already happening with it, again in the background. I’ve made contact with people, put tentative feelers out, so far the response 100% positive. Hubs and I have had huge, great long ranging discussions. We think that 2013 will be our year.